Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sometimes I think I should have had hamsters instead.

This morning, my daughter couldn't find the shoes she wanted to wear. She's 11, and it was vitally important to her that she wear her blue plaid canvas shoes and not the white sneakers that were in plain sight. It got right down to the last couple of minutes before the arrival of the bus, and the shoes still weren't found, so I suggested she wear the sneakers. In the meantime, I had gotten dressed and her 5-year-old sister had gotten ready, so the little one and I went out to the bus stop. Finally, when the bus was coming around the corner, she came out to the bus stop with the running shoes on, and she gave me the nastiest look I've ever seen on any of my kids as she got on that bus.

Clearly, I must have hidden her shoes just to make her life miserable. And wearing regular sneakers with your jeans and t-shirt is just tragic.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I have a problem with Facebook. I have too many "friends" from too many different places, and they are a very diverse group. I've got Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Anarchists, Catholics, Born-Again Christians, Pagans in a variety of flavors, and militant atheists among my friends. My friends list contains people who are straight, gay, bi, transgendered, in every sort of relationship and with every sort of preference. Some of them are physically disabled. Some have mental illnesses. I've got people related to me, people I know in real life, people I know from games, people I know from elsewhere on the Internet, at least one former pen pal, people I've met through Facebook, and some that I just play Facebook games with. And I like all these people. I respect them all. That's not the problem.

The problem is that I am beginning to feel like I can't be honest about who I am, and that posting anything more controversial that observations about the weather is dangerous. I find myself trying to be sensitive to everyone (though I don't always succeed, I suspect) and when people post things I don't like, I try to let it go (and I am probably not always successful in that either). Today I posted something that was intended to be humorous about the difficulties of taking a 5-year-old to church-- that next time I'd better bring a straitjacket or tranquilizer darts. You can substitute "library" or any occasion where people shouldn't run around like a squirrel on speed for "church", right? It just happens that we went to church today, and I made that comment, thinking that other parents might be able to relate. But, no, someone had to come along and make an unmistakably snide comment to the effect that I should keep dragging her to church so she'll end up with disdain for ALL religion, just like him.

The truth is that I've only recently started going to church at all. I'd never gone to an Orthodox church before, but after being involved for a couple of months, I think I've decided that I want to be a part of it. I have gone out of my way to not really mention this to much of anyone, in real life or on Facebook. I realize that some people don't like religion. I know that some people are hostile toward Christianity in particular. (I used to be one of those people!) I just don't think that mentioning that I went to church is an invitation for other people to share how wrong they think I am, particularly when I wasn't even stating an opinion on the matter.

So I feel bad now. I know it's just the way life is, but is there a chance that I could do, think, feel, or believe ANYTHING without someone having to second guess me? Just once! Just for a change of pace.

I mean, the person in question isn't even someone I know, really, so I shouldn't even care. It's someone my husband knew long before he and I met-- the guy messaged me because he was trying to get in touch with my husband, and then I accepted his friend request. That barely counts as an acquaintance. But I have a self-destructive habit of feeling in my gut that everyone else is right and I am wrong, so when these stupid little things happen, which shouldn't even phase me, I feel sad and guilty, like I somehow disappointed the world. So, now I feel bad.

I made a comment back to point out that I didn't "drag" my daughter to church. She's actually really enthusiastic about church. She is maybe a little too enthusiastic. Then I made a second comment, as an after thought, about the length of the Divine Liturgy and the extra length today because there was a baptism. It reads like I am being defensive and making excuses, but it was all I could do to keep myself from apologizing for having gone to church. How ridiculous would that have been? I didn't do anything wrong. I just mentioned that I went to church, and the church part of it was actually not the relevant part. And he's not even a person I know or that cares about me.

I don't just feel bad. I feel naked and vulnerable. I feel like I showed a little bit of who I am, just a flash of my soft underbelly, and someone felt the need to come poke at me with a sharp stick. The worst part is, despite my rational understanding that it isn't true, I feel like I was in the wrong, somehow. (And, before anyone suggests it, I am getting professional help already. This is actually better than I usually am.)

Tomorrow is the start of the Nativity Fast. I'm not officially Orthodox, but I did plan on keeping the fast by not eating meat. And I think I might go on a Facebook fast too, just for my peace of mind.

Monday, April 12, 2010

My ideal life

Coach Roma's Question #47 -- because sometimes I need a writing prompt.

What, if anything, is stopping you from creating your ideal life?

The first thing standing between me and my ideal life is some confusion about exactly what my ideal life would look like.

Part of me is really excited about going back to school and pursuing a career in some branch of biological sciences, or even becoming a veterinarian, if I can manage to get into vet school. I have no idea at this point how I'd pay for any of that, though, and it would be a lot of work and I'd have to put some things off for a few years while putting all my efforts on doing my very best at school. This is one of those things I've always been interested in, but I had to overcome a lot of the programming of my youth, as well as my own insecurities, before I could really entertain any notion of doing it.

The other part of me just wants be content with where I am at and concentrate on my family life and my spiritual life. This part of me might have some activist tendencies as well. I can see myself getting involved in some organizations and possibly writing a book down this path. I am just not sure if this path is what I really want to do, or if just looks attractive because it would be easier. I don't want to let myself cop out and take the easy path if that's all it is, because I will be disappointed later. (Been there, done that.)

The main things keeping me from going down either of those paths is fear and doubt. Most of the obstacles I will face are the same-- figuring out how to earn enough money to keep us afloat while still leaving me time to pursue these goals, figuring out how to manage my time so that I don't run myself into the ground, and figuring out how to keep some balance in my life. But before I get to those obstacles, I have to get out of the gate.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

A joyful career?

Today's journal prompt is from Coaching Questions: What does a joyful career look, feel and sound like to you?

I have been giving some thought to what kind of career I might like to pursue in my second half of life, now that I am nearing 40 and my kids are growing up. I would love to have a job that I am excited about, that I can't wait to get to most days, and that I feel proud of. I want something that is going to be challenging but not frustrating, providing me with both a livelihood and a sense that I am doing something meaningful.

I have been thinking about pursuing an associate degree in Biotechnology at a local community college as a first baby step toward finding that kind of work. After that, I plan to go on to a bachelor degree in Biology, at which point I hope to find some sort of work with one of the local biotech firms while I pursue a graduate degree. I don't know what that will look, feel, or sound like, but the thought fills me with hope.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

It's dark down here in the dungeon...

I haven't written anything or shared any YouTube videos or anything since last April?! This is something I must fix immediately.

This blog has always been where I just post whatever kind of silly stuff that goes through my head or passes by my eyes. Every once in a while, it gets a little more serious, but for the most part, it is just stress relief. I could use a little more of that in my life.

I have been wasting a lot of time of Facebook lately. I have been playing a lot of the stupid little games over there. Most of the games only need a few minutes of attention at a time, but when you're playing 15 games and looking at them all three times a day, it's practically a full-time job. Except without the paycheck or benefits... Basically, you become a slave to your farm or your fish or what have you. And then it bugs you constantly to annoy your friends with messages about your farm or fish or cafe or mafia or kingdom, and tries like crazy to get you to attempt to lure your friends into virtual slavery. As a lolcat would say, iz not so great, akshuly.

I have done a little bit of work on my constructed languages, so I do update my Teliya Nevashi blog occasionally. More often than not, I just update the language documents with the intention to post about it later, but later never comes.

I am starting a new blog in the hope of having a constructive project to work on. It's about dieting. Or, rather, it is about trying out specific diets or eating styles/plans for three weeks at a time. I do hope to lose some weight, and maybe attract an audience as well. I am going to try to keep that blog pretty tightly focused, so I will probably come back over here to make all the tangential remarks that would otherwise bog that other effort down.

There has been a lot going on in my life, so you'd think I'd be here babbling about it more often. I will have to do that instead of planting more virtual crops on my 86500 different farm apps.