Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Tuesday! w00t!

I am making some effort to maintain my blogs today. I posted a new pregnancy update entry over on Little Critter Chronicles, I made some small changes to the templates of both blogs, and I updated my profile.

I've changed my username to Meep, just because it is a cute word. I am out of my dark phase, and back to being my normal, sunny self, so it seemed like a good time to give up being Prisoner #87146754. I'm not quite out of the Oubliette yet, though. I still feel like I am at the bottom of a hole with little possibility of escape, as far as my overall life situation.

I know I need to adopt a better attitude about things, but I just keep making one stupid blunder after another. Some of the things I have done have been good, but then I do something dumb like drop out of school and quit my job in the same week. WTF was I thinking?!?! That's something I have yet to even begin to repair.

I don't regret getting pregnant, but it might have been nice if I had put a little thought into planning for the baby and related downtime before the last two months of my pregnancy. Again, WTF was I thinking?!?! I was living for the moment rather than in the moment, I guess. Such a pity I didn't see the difference at the time.

I just wish I had someone else to blame for me being such an idiot. I used to blame my parents, but I'm 34 years old, for goodness' sake. I'm pretty sure that every moronic thing I've done for at least the last 10 years has been entirely on my own, without any need for outside influence.

There's not much I can do but pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back in the saddle. I am starting to feel like I can do that, so maybe there is some hope for me yet. I have a couple of subversive friends that have been encouraging me to believe that I deserve to be happy, and I am actually starting to believe that happiness is possible and I might even deserve it too.

That makes it seem as if I am not happy now. I am happy a lot of the time. This is a failing of the language. It doesn't distinguish between transient "feel good now" happiness, and happiness as a state of being. I imagine that "contentment" could be used for the latter, but I hear satisfaction and even complacency in that word, while I am looking for a word to describe a more open, active, and expansive approach to life. I will have to meditate on it, until I know the word I am looking for.

In any case, I think my next constructed language project will make that distinction right from the beginning, and not just for happiness or contentment, but for any emotional state that can become a basic personality trait or way of life.