I wrote this last night, but when I went to post it, Blogger was down for maintenance, so I didn't get to post it until now.
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You know what I hate?
No, not "everything".

I hate it when I get settled in and intend to write, only to be bugged by other people. That's what happened to my last entry here. I was getting all settled in to write about the dynamic forces that keep the Universe going, only to have my husband insist that I had to restart my computer right that very second so that the drivers for the new printer would kick in, so that he could print a resume. So, I just published the one line I had written, and rebooted.

And he did print his resume. I don't know that he did anything with it, or that it was really necessary that he do it right that second, but at least he actually printed the damned thing after derailing my train of thought.

He's pissing me off lately. He sits on his fat ass watching TV and playing Gunbound all day, yells at the kids, cooks a little dinner and acts like he's some kind of freakin' martyr. He's such a big baby, he won't go look for a job unless I go with him to hold his hand. He hardly ever leaves the house at all. He's not even a housewife; I was a housewife for years, and I spent my days reading, writing, running errands, cleaning house, taking care of kids, and looking for answers to life's big questions. No, he's no housewife. He's a housePLANT.

OK. Just had to get that out of my system. I sure hope he doesn't read this. He's depressed enough as it is.

I don't really know what is happening to me. For the last several weeks, I have been going through a sort of personal transformation. Every day I find out something new and shocking about myself. My latest discovery is that I have spent the several years not tasting my food, and now I can taste it again. I am finding that I hate the crap that I have been eating regularly. I must have been insane!

I wasn't always fat. I was a normal weight for most of my life. It has only been in the last several years that I put on all this weight. At the same time, my husband put on a lot of weight too. I thought that we were making each other fat, giving each other permission to eat stuff we shouldn't and not do anything physical. While that might have been a part of it, I see now that there was something else at work. I can see now that there was a sort of emptiness in me that I was trying to fill. I was seeking some sort of sensation to overcome the numbness. I suspect it is the same for him. We went through some really hard times, and I think we may have come out damaged. We were damaged, our relationship was damaged. I think we became unable to connect with each other, or anyone else, including ourselves. I was so numb that I would eat and eat and eat all sorts of junk, trying to get something out of it that food just can't give.

This has changed for me lately. I can't even say exactly what happened, but I woke up one day feeling like the clouds had lifted. I like being me. I love finding out who I am. There's endless delight in just being who I really am. I've become honest, with myself, and with other people. People ask me questions, and I tell them what I really think. It is the most amazing thing. Finding out that I have been eating awful crap for years now is just a side effect of whatever it is that is happening to me.