Another Crappy Week in Paradise

Aside from a near-brush with being an RV salesman, my husband had no luck on the job hunt this week. I didn't even have a near-brush, so I have nothing to say about that.

He had an interview at the RV place, with an interview for a far better state job scheduled for the next morning. The RV place told him that they were going to have training starting the next morning, and he couldn't be late or miss any of the three days, for any reason. So he didn't go to the training, he went to the interview.

The state people were supposed to make a decision before the end of the week, and here it is, without a word from them. I think it's a pretty sure bet that he didn't get that job either. He must suck at interviewing or something.

Lots of restaurants are looking for people. I think I will give that a try. It will still put me in contact with the general public, in a position to get pissed on by every asshat who is having a bad day, but maybe I can do it for a little while before I freak out and go postal.

I guess I should get out of here and make a last ditch effort to save our asses before the weekend.

Catching up

Being depressed doesn't go well with blogging for me. I can maintain a certain level bitchiness and complain endlessly through the keyboard, but depression is a silent, wordless state for me. I reach a point where I am too down to type. I get so far down that I don't even have it in me to complain.

You know those keychains with scorpions encased in acrylic? That's what depression feels like. I am that scorpion, wrapped up, suffocated and paralyzed in a clear case of depression. Only depression is a little more transparent than acrylic, a little harder for others to see. They might see the signs of it, and feel around the edges, but it is hard for them to judge how deep I am inside it.

We had a miscarriage. I woke up early on July 8, our anniversary, to a crampy, clumpy, bloody mess. That went on for a few days.

And then there were the other things-- the job interviews that didn't pan out, the creditors on our backs being a pain in the ass, my mother trying to drag me into a dispute between my brothers, the kids acting like their brains fell out.

It's not been good.

My husband is off at a job interview right now. This job would be super-sweet. I am trying to believe that he'll get it in the hopes that somehow, magically, my belief will make it true. I want it to be true. It has to be. This is the best opportunity we've had come along in a good long while.

At the same time, things seem so bleak right now that I am afraid to hope, because if my hopes are dashed again, I may fall back into that deep, silent, suffocating darkness.

The Daily Bitch

Last Thursday, I picked up the power bill off the counter and said, calmly, that our disconnect date had just passed. I was told that I shouldn't read the mail because I "always worry too much."

Fast forward to this morning, when the person who accused me of worrying too much was just about to print his resume when, SURPRISE!, the lights went out.

Ah, yep. There was nothing to worry about there.

That bill has been paid now. The lights are back on. I am just wondering how much good that's going to do us when the mortgage company decides to foreclose on us. That is, as I understand it, something else I shouldn't worry about.

GRAH!

I had a dream...

Last night, I had a dream that I was sitting under a tree with a cup of milk and a plate of cookies. I was happy. Then a bird flew over and pooped in my milk.

I can't even catch a break in my dreams.

Where was I? Oh, yes...

As you might have guessed from that last post, I'm pregnant. My husband had guessed as much from my late period and obvious symptoms, but I was in denial until I gave in and took a home pregnancy test on Friday morning. I had been nauseous all Thursday night, and my breasts have been very sore, so I figured he might be right, but I was still shocked to see a positive test result.

Now that I am over the shock, I am mostly happy. I am a little scared because I have a history of miscarriages and we're still in dire straits financially. The latter problem may resolve itself soon, since my husband seems to have been kicked into gear to get himself employed now that he's going to be a papa all over again. There's not much I can do about the potential miscarriage problem except to wait and see. I really don't want to get my hopes up too much right now at a mere 5 weeks, only to have them crushed in the next couple of months.

I had gotten a job at a shoe store in the mall, but it was a disaster of monumental proportions. I freaked out and cried at work. I just can't handle dealing with the public. I really, really miss my old job at RGIS. It sucked, but it didn't suck as much as being unemployed or selling shoes.

Ah, yes. It has been so long since I last wrote that many things have transpired. There was, for example, the mess with Dixon Valve. This company called my husband and told him he had a job, and then when he drove over there for the pre-employment drug test, they told him that there was a mix-up and they could only offer him a fraction of what they'd told him and he'd have to wait to hear from human resources about it. So they sent him home. Then they called him and said that there was a miscommunication and he didn't have a job. So, he drove 70 miles (round trip) when gas was at its most expensive for nothing at all.

No, it was worse than nothing at all. Nothing is nothing. That whole mess was something. It was something sucky and horrible.

So, anyway, that's pretty typical of how things have been since I last wrote. Life keeps dangling carrots in front of our noses, then snatching them away and beating us with a stick. I figure that's one reason why the miscarriage thing has me good and spooked. I figure it would be our luck for this baby to go Dixon Valve on us.

I am not going to clutter up this blog with my pregnancy-related ramblings. I will start another blog just for all that. This one will just go back to all my usual whining.

I know it has been a while...

...but I thought I would just add this...

Attack of the laundry

I am doing laundry tonight. Lots and lots of laundry. This is probably the worst thing about having a big family. Everyone wants to wear clean clothes. What a pain!

My son and I were discussing the worst possible movie. We figure it would have to be a movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Vin Diesel as soccer players who also international secret agents who happen to both play the accordian. If you could get a poop-flinging monkey in there somewhere as your basic stupid, pointless comic relief, it might be as bad as it could possibly be.

My husband has been working on a feasibility study for a business he wants to start. It's partly an assignment for a Tech Writing class he's taking, and partly a serious study for the purpose of figuring out whether or not he can get it going. He wants to open a game shop.

Locally, there's a comics shop that sells some game stuff, and a game shop that sells a very limited selection of things, sticking almost completely to collectible card games. What he wants to do is sell a wide variety of different kinds of games-- collectible card games, role-playing games, games that use miniatures, board games and set up a LAN for people to play games in the shop. Basically, if it can be won, lost, or acted out, it will be for sale.

If I get this job that I am interviewing for on Friday and we get our financial act together, it would be cool if we could go to GenCon... you know, for research purposes. Yeah... that's the ticket. Research.

Intervooo

I got called for an interview for that CSR/sales job. I am pretty psyched. I am pretty sure I can handle the interview. I was just worried about getting past the initial screening. I have pretty much gotten over all my doubts and fears about whether or not I can handle the job. I realize now that all I have to do is continually chant my mantra: "paycheck paycheck paycheck". So, I go on Friday morning to interview for that job.

I applied for some other jobs today, and would have applied for even more if time had allowed. I am going to get a job THIS WEEK, dammit. I am so freaking tired of being broke. So many things to buy, so little money-- and that's only the necessities. I REALLY miss being able to buy the fun stuff.

It's time to go make some dinner. I have no idea what I plan on doing for dinner. Pancakes, maybe.

Back on the job trail...

So, it's back to job hunting today. There were a couple of crappy jobs in the paper that I am going to go apply for, but it was a bad week for the Sunday classifieds. You know it is a bad week when all the ads are in 2 pages of 2-inch framed boxes.

So, I am going to go apply for a job as night support staff for a home for developmentally disabled adults, and also for cashier/etc. at the cafeteria of the college I ever-so-recently dropped out of. Neither of these sounds particularly exciting, but I have done the food service thing before, and I don't really mind it.

I am sort of hoping that the CSR job I mentioned before comes through for me. I'll either get called tomorrow, or get the "Thanks, but no thanks!" letter some time this week. It might be 8 hours a day of torture, but I can stand a little torture for a decent paycheck.

Must...find...work.

Yesterday I went took some tests and filled out the full application for that customer service job. I will know the results on Tuesday. The money is pretty good, for someone like myself with no experience and no education to speak of, but I see two potential problems that I have been trying to avoid. I am afraid of people, and I am terrified of telephones. My worst fear, then, is a person on the phone. And I would be required to spend 7 hours and 50 minutes of my day talking to people on the phone about their credit card problems, and then trying to sell them credit products and services.

I am sort of hoping that not having an actual phone, but just the headset, will alleviate some of the phone phobia. I normally deal with my phone fear by simply avoiding the telephone. I'd rather get in my car and drive to talk to a person in person than to call them on the phone. If I can't do that, I try to get someone else to make the call for me. If I have to make the call myself... it usually doesn't get made at all. Dialing is gut-wrenching, and then there's the nausea of waiting while the phone rings. Then, if I am unlucky, someone answers, and I have to speak. I stammer and stutter my way through what I need to say, sometimes digging my nails into my palms just to get through it. It's absolutely paralyzing.

And then there are the times that the phone rings and I have to answer. I am pretty terrified of that too, but there's no anticipation factor. I have gotten to the point that I pick up the phone without thinking about it, a little sleight of mind that prevents me from standing over the phone, wringing my hands, like I used to. Mostly, it isn't for me, so I just take a message. My conversation has become routine in that situation, and I am quite pleased and proud of myself that I can do that much. If it is a telemarketer or whatever, I just hang up. If it is someone I know personally, I can talk to them, usually. If it isn't a good friend or relative, they are often left hanging with awkward silences, punctuated with bursts of nervous babbling.

So, one might think that a call center job would be out of the question for me. But I think I am willing to give it a go, anyway. Most people don't like their jobs. You just have to do what you have to do to get by. And a job that I hate might be good incentive to get through school.

The husband had a potential temp job fall through yesterday, and he came home pretty pissed. He was going down to do paperwork, and found out when he got there that even though they had asked for a recent criminal history on his application, they actually needed 7 years on a background check, rather than 5, so his 5+ year old assault conviction came into play, and they said they couldn't use him. I imagine it was really humiliating.

So, he came home really upset and stayed grumpy until I found something to cheer him up. I grabbed some grapes and demonstrated microwave grape plasma , and that cheered him right up. And then he got a better attitude-- he had two interviews on Thursday, and we'll still keep looking for work.

And the job hunting saga continues.

Today, I applied for a customer service/sales (aka telemarketer) job. Under our current circumstances, I think I can handle getting yelled at on the phone for $10/hr to start. It beats the pants off of nothing, for sure. I am supposed to go in for testing/interview on Friday morning at too-early-o'clock.

My husband applied for a few different jobs and did some phone follow-up. He's got some possibilities coming up for temp work, anyway. Hopefully something there will work out. He's got two prospects for permanent employment also-- he's got an interview on Thursday for a security guard job at the college he attends, and a possibility of getting a job as a floor attendant at the casino where his sister works. They aren't the kind of work he wants to do, though, so he's not acting especially grateful for those opportunities.

He called back one of the places that declined to hire him and talked to that guy for a while. Apparently, he might have stood a chance of getting that job if he had called right after the closing date, since interviews were granted to a small, random pool of people picked from the qualified applicants. The guy told him to apply again next time there's an opening-- probably next January. That's not really very useful to us right now, but I am sure he will give it another go next year if a position opens up. It would be good money and close to home.

I sort of wish that I had kept my crappy job at RGIS, but it is probably best that I didn't, since I was getting a little too rough around the edges. I have an insomnia problem that is made much, much worse by an irregular schedule. When I was younger, I could manage to drag myself around without the sleep, but now that I am older, it isn't so easy. I am not sure if it is all age, or if it is just because I have so many more daily obligations to fulfill now. I was also a little annoyed that I was being scheduled for a late night followed by an early morning, AND I was expected to drive to distant stores, simply because I have a van. I butted heads with my supervisor over the driving thing just before I decided to quit. He wanted me to drive 15 miles south to pick people up to go to a store 15 miles north of where I live. Other people who live closer to the stores have been allowed to go directly there, but he was counting on me driving, though he didn't come out and say so until I asked if I could just meet them at the store. I was peeved about him being peeved at me, and I got the idea that I was being scheduled just for the transportation. I almost wish I had gone and shown up in some little compact car.

I am really tired tonight. My husband had another little meltdown last night, and he wanted to talk to me about it. Actually, he wanted to sit there and look miserable and demand that I help him. He couldn't tell me what he wanted me to do. He just wanted me to make it better, I guess. I was irritated because he got me out of bed for that bullshit, and I had plans for this morning. Instead of waking up well rested, I have been dragging my sorry butt around all day because I didn't get to sleep until really late.

His little meltdown was triggered because of a job he didn't get. He has had a hard time even finding a crappy job in the last year. Noone wanted to hire him for $10 or even $15/hr when his last job paid $54k/year. He couldn't get another job at what he had been making because he needs more education for most of the jobs, even the ones exactly like the one he used to have. He's really been struggling, and because he hasn't found a job, he now has this huge hole in his employment history. He had a friend in management at a company who would have hired him if he could have gotten past the initial human resources review, but they rejected him because of the gap in his work history. His friend called last night to let him know what was up, and he broke down over it.

Ask me what I think about a "jobless recovery". Go ahead. Ask. Just make sure you are wearing a flak jacket when you do.

We've got to get something nailed down this week. It's required by circumstances. I don't want to lose our house, if we can avoid it. I don't know that anyone out there is reading this, but if you are, pray for us. I don't care if you are praying to Jesus or Allah or Krishna or Odin or Yemaya... Just keep us in mind.

Looking for a job sucks. It sucks butt. It sucks a big, hairy goat's butt. I realize that this isn't news to anyone who has had to find employment for themselves, but I had to say it anyway.

I have some work I need to do this week on a website project (for money! w00t!), but I also need to look around for a regular job that will result in a weekly or bi-weekly paychecks. I really want to be able to pay our mortgage. That's the most important thing. Being homeless with kids sucks even more goat-butt than looking for a job, and we are dangerously close to that. My husband has a few prospects and an interview on Thursday, but we need something to come through NOW.

I should be getting a little bit of child support this week. That's something. My husband did work that temp job, so he should be getting paid for that soon. I sold something on ebay-- not for much, but it's something. And I opened a little online shop at cafepress.com, as I had mentioned, with a few EverQuest related items available for now.

I plan on having a lunchbox design added tomorrow that's pen-and-paper RPG related-- it will be a "dice box" thing. I plan on putting up better designs of my own making, of the fantasy art sort, but I wanted to get something out there for now, until I can get to a scanner. I only have the "basic" shop, so I can only have one design for each type of item. That is, I can only have 1 white shirt, 1 grey shirt, 1 fitted white shirt, etc. I can't have multiple grey shirts with different designs on them, for instance, unless I upgrade to a premium shop. Right now, the only thing I can afford is free, so I will just have to cycle designs as I have them available. Anyway, the shop is at http://www.cafeshops.com/miashirtsnstuff .

My mom found some Yogalates DVDs in a bargain bin while she was out shopping recently, so she bought one for herself and one for me. While I generally hate any sort of physical activity that doesn't involve an orgasm, I have found that I actually like this workout. I mean, I have actually done it more than once, which puts it head-and-shoulders above the rest of my exercise media collection.

My husband got a call for an interview next week. It is essentially a security guard job. It's not the job he wanted, but it is gainful employment, and we've reached the point that a job-- any job-- is good enough. I sure hope he gets it.

I have been on a Net binge tonight. I am not usually allowed to sit here all night, but since he's off working, I have enjoyed the chance to surf and chat in peace.

Winter dresses in grey here. When I was younger, I thought the bland greys of winter were ugly, a thing to be endured until the Earth turned her colors back on. These days, I adore the winter landscapes of my home region. I see beautiful lines and textures, and even colors, in the bare neutrality of the trees and the tan stubbled grey fields, and in last years pale reeds standing guard over the low spots. It's a subtle beauty. And that is why I missed it before.

When I was younger, I didn't notice subtle things, and I didn't produce subtle things. My cooking was overseasoned and poorly executed. My writings and my artwork strained under the weight of trying to be more than they were. My relationships were based on whatever grabbed me first about the person I was with. There was little depth to my thought, and everything I touched came out badly.

A little while ago, I was looking out the back window, looking between the houses, watching the light fade against the trees in the distance, and that is what inspired me to say these things now. I realize it is a bit out of the normal tone of this blog, but I didn't have anyone else to say it to.

I got a call today about doing some web design work, including finding the hosting, etc. I jumped on the opportunity with both hands and feet. I plan on sending kids to bed and working up my proposal tonight.

Not long after I got that call, my husband got a call about doing a one-night stint running some cable at a local restaurant for $16/hr. What a nice bonus!

I hope that this means that our financial tides are starting to shift. We could really use a break! Things have been stagnant and stinking in that department for a while now.

I am going to open a CaféPress shop to sell some of my artwork and stuff on T-shirts. I don't imagine that I am going to make a lot of money that way, but I think it will be fun. I may open a second CaféPress shop with RPG themed merchandise as well, depending on how much fun I have setting up the first one.

The last few days have been absolutely surreal. My mom keeps calling and coming over, and yet she says nothing useful. My husband came unhinged on Friday and locked himself into the bathroom for a few hours. Kids were good tonight, but they were like wild animals for a few days there. I was really sick for a couple of days, in so much pain that it made me cry. It was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. But it could have been worse.

Is it wrong for me to take consolation in the fact that I know people with lives more fucked up than mine?

Last July, my brother-in-law got married. It was a $30,000 wedding. He and his bride were on the full-color, glossy cover of the local newspaper's bridal insert. They had been living with his new in-laws while their new $170,000 house was being built. They finally went to settlement on the new house and moved in... and his new wife moved out two days later. Her parents made her go back, and two days later, she left again. Moving away from her parents was too big a change for her. Now she wants a divorce. All I can say about that is WTF??! To just make things more complicated, allow me to mention that the bride brought a little girl with her into the marriage. I wonder if she's not just a bit confused about what the hell is going on with her mom and her new dad.

We're only having financial problems. We've still got each other, and we have our health, such as it is. It seems not-so-very-bad now.

I think this blog needs a little color. I was thinking that I would post various banners and signatures that I have done. I really need a real graphics program. Adobe Creative Suite on my list, right after more RAM and a new video card. I can get the academic version at the college bookstore for $399.00 (which is a bargain, if you haven't checked the price).



These are various banners for Camp Check, an EverQuest guild on Xegony. The one with the undead troll is just a piece of a screenshot with caption added. I thought it was pretty funny.



Three signature files for Dikmer Orless, EverQuest dwarf cleric on Xegony. He actually used the last one. The other two seemed to annoy him, for some reason.



Two signatures for Kensha of Xegony. The first is supposed to be dark and evil looking, since she was a shadow knight by day and maniacal killer by night. (You'd have to have known her.) The latter is Kensha in high elf illusion. It is way too dark, and I couldn't seem to lighten it properly without it looking all washed out. I abandoned it pretty early on, but I think I could do something with it now to fix it, if I felt like it.



Simple. Straightforward. Not cluttered. Possibly some of my better work.



Another that I think might be among my better ones, although I can see several things I would change. First, I'd have turned off names before taking the SS. Secondly, I'd have put Buffei in front, 2/3 to the right.

I meant to get around to commenting on the name lists yesterday. So, here's the commentary:
Girls' names
Emily, Emma, Hannah, Sarah, Abigail -- Pretty, but a little old fashioned. Not really too bad, but not my style.
Madison -- Ugh.
Hailey -- Since I have a niece with this name, I will abstain from commenting.
Kaitlyn -- I think my daughter has 6 Kaitlyns in her class. The name ain't that damned amazing, folks.
Isabella, Olivia -- OMG... I actually kind of like these two. Kinda traditional, sort of out of the mainstream, maybe a little ethnic flavor. Not bad.


Boys' names
Jacob -- An old man name to my ears. But if your baby is lucky, he will be an old man, eventually.
Aidan -- Ok. I guess I can tolerate this.
Ethan -- Makes me think of furniture. Or soap operas.
Matthew -- Solid, traditional, common name.
Nicholas -- I had no idea this name would be so popular when I chose it.
Joshua -- See "Matthew".
Ryan -- My paternal grandmother's maiden name. Kid got it as a middle name. His brother got saddled with Wallace, another family name.
Michael -- Why not Gabriel or Raphael or some lesser known Angel from folklore, mythology, or the occult? Aren't there enough Michaels?
Zachary -- Not so keen on Zachary. Sounds like an ingredient. "Good stew. Needs more Zachary."
Tyler -- Make it a girl's name, and then we'll talk.

Smyrna, Delaware... Like Hell, Only Closer