Talking to myself...

This is the blog I generally use when I just have something to get off my chest or something I know is of interest only to me, and I don't expect anyone to actually ever read it, much less follow it. I am, therefore, a little more comfortable posting here than in some other places I could.

I have to wonder if some people think I am a cold-hearted person because I didn't say anything about that ever-so-recent school shooting in CT. The truth is that I can't think of anything worthy of saying. I have a 7-year-old. It's all too personal and too real for me. This morning when I dropped her off at school and wished her a good day, I wondered about those other parents who said good-bye to their children, not knowing it would be the last time. And then I think about all the mornings that haven't gone smoothly, when I've been annoyed about missing socks and missed busses-- what if that were *my* last morning? I will do better. I have to.

I read a blog posts reflecting on what happened that moved me, but I don't really feel comfortable sharing it on  the social media sites I am on. I know that some people would appreciate it, but some people would get hung up on the mention of "violent video game" or on the mention of God. So... here it is, although I do figure I'm talking to myself, as I said: Reflections on the Connecticut School Shooting

 All I can say is that if you don't think there's a lot of anger out there, you don't get out much. I know I haven't always been the best peacemaker. I am a relatively patient person, but we all have our days. I would like to be a little more mindful of how I treat others so that I don't cause harm with things I say or do thoughtlessly. It's not much, but it is something I can do to make this world a little less dark.

LENT!

O Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power, and idle talk.But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant.Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgressions, and not to judge my brother, for blessed art Thou, unto ages of ages. Amen.

So, this Sunday is Meatfare Sunday, the last day to eat meat before Lent. Then there's Cheesefare week, a last chance to eat dairy before the first day of Lent, which will be Monday, February 27, this year.

I will admit that I've had mixed results in my attempts to keep the Lenten and Nativity fasts in the past, but I am determined to do this all the way this year. I won't be blogging about my efforts, since that would go rather against the spirit of the exercise (see Matthew 6:16-18), but I might write a little bit in more general terms about  what all this means to me, any astoundingly good vegan recipes I encounter, and how it is that I ended up at Orthodoxy in the first place. I hope that I will do better if I make an effort to keep in mind what I am doing and why. I hate to admit it, but it is pretty easy to let God take a backseat when you're swamped with all the mundane details of material life. (And that's probably when I could use God the most!)

General Update

And my life changes again.

I left my husband in July. I think I have grounds for placing the date of our separation a full month before I actually left because that's when I declared my intentions and we started living apart in the same house. That was a difficult month.

So, I've been living with my mother and in her other house (back and forth) since July 22. I started a new job in the last two days of August. I could complain that it took me a whole month to land a part-time job, but I know a lot of people are out there looking and finding nothing at all. I am just used to finding employment pretty quickly when I am seriously looking for it-- usually within two weeks-- so it was longer than I'd generally expect.

I like my new job as a caregiver for elderly people. I don't necessarily think it is something I want to do forever, but I like the one regular client I've got, and I've been able to pick up a few more shifts here and there. Tomorrow I will work a 6 hour shift, filling in for a call-out, and Monday I pick up a new, regularly scheduled gig-- twice a month to take laundry to the cleaners for someone.

I've had to adjust to not being the household matriarch. I've had to adjust to living in very tight quarters with my 2 daughters. I've had to adjust my plans for the immediate future. I'm adjusting ok, but it has been a bumpy ride.

There have been some very good things that have come along in the last few months too. I'm in love, for one thing. It's a long-distance relationship, but we seem to be handling that well, and it won't be that way forever. I've also lost some weight and started feeling better about myself in general.

Some days are better than others. As time goes on, I am having more days that grateful for what I've got and happy with my new life.

Blogging life.

I have started a number of blogs, as if I had time in my life for all that blogging. I think I want to figure out a schedule of posting so that I can keep those current, but without it taking over my life. (Actually, I am far more likely to abandon a blog for months or years than to spend too much time posting in it, but hey...)

I have so much to do tonight. I wasted half my day on what? Facebook? Oh, I did watch a short movie three times-- the second time with actor commentary and the third time with Esperanto subtitles. It was a movie titled "Conlang". Very cool.

I feel really tired and fuzzy in the head tonight, but I have both housecleaning and writing yet to do.

Sometimes I think I should have had hamsters instead.

This morning, my daughter couldn't find the shoes she wanted to wear. She's 11, and it was vitally important to her that she wear her blue plaid canvas shoes and not the white sneakers that were in plain sight. It got right down to the last couple of minutes before the arrival of the bus, and the shoes still weren't found, so I suggested she wear the sneakers. In the meantime, I had gotten dressed and her 5-year-old sister had gotten ready, so the little one and I went out to the bus stop. Finally, when the bus was coming around the corner, she came out to the bus stop with the running shoes on, and she gave me the nastiest look I've ever seen on any of my kids as she got on that bus.

Clearly, I must have hidden her shoes just to make her life miserable. And wearing regular sneakers with your jeans and t-shirt is just tragic.

Rantish

I have a problem with Facebook. I have too many "friends" from too many different places, and they are a very diverse group. I've got Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Anarchists, Catholics, Born-Again Christians, Pagans in a variety of flavors, and militant atheists among my friends. My friends list contains people who are straight, gay, bi, transgendered, in every sort of relationship and with every sort of preference. Some of them are physically disabled. Some have mental illnesses. I've got people related to me, people I know in real life, people I know from games, people I know from elsewhere on the Internet, at least one former pen pal, people I've met through Facebook, and some that I just play Facebook games with. And I like all these people. I respect them all. That's not the problem.


The problem is that I am beginning to feel like I can't be honest about who I am, and that posting anything more controversial that observations about the weather is dangerous. I find myself trying to be sensitive to everyone (though I don't always succeed, I suspect) and when people post things I don't like, I try to let it go (and I am probably not always successful in that either). Today I posted something that was intended to be humorous about the difficulties of taking a 5-year-old to church-- that next time I'd better bring a straitjacket or tranquilizer darts. You can substitute "library" or any occasion where people shouldn't run around like a squirrel on speed for "church", right? It just happens that we went to church today, and I made that comment, thinking that other parents might be able to relate. But, no, someone had to come along and make an unmistakably snide comment to the effect that I should keep dragging her to church so she'll end up with disdain for ALL religion, just like him.


The truth is that I've only recently started going to church at all. I'd never gone to an Orthodox church before, but after being involved for a couple of months, I think I've decided that I want to be a part of it. I have gone out of my way to not really mention this to much of anyone, in real life or on Facebook. I realize that some people don't like religion. I know that some people are hostile toward Christianity in particular. (I used to be one of those people!) I just don't think that mentioning that I went to church is an invitation for other people to share how wrong they think I am, particularly when I wasn't even stating an opinion on the matter.


So I feel bad now. I know it's just the way life is, but is there a chance that I could do, think, feel, or believe ANYTHING without someone having to second guess me? Just once! Just for a change of pace.


I mean, the person in question isn't even someone I know, really, so I shouldn't even care. It's someone my husband knew long before he and I met-- the guy messaged me because he was trying to get in touch with my husband, and then I accepted his friend request. That barely counts as an acquaintance. But I have a self-destructive habit of feeling in my gut that everyone else is right and I am wrong, so when these stupid little things happen, which shouldn't even phase me, I feel sad and guilty, like I somehow disappointed the world. So, now I feel bad.


I made a comment back to point out that I didn't "drag" my daughter to church. She's actually really enthusiastic about church. She is maybe a little too enthusiastic. Then I made a second comment, as an after thought, about the length of the Divine Liturgy and the extra length today because there was a baptism. It reads like I am being defensive and making excuses, but it was all I could do to keep myself from apologizing for having gone to church. How ridiculous would that have been? I didn't do anything wrong. I just mentioned that I went to church, and the church part of it was actually not the relevant part. And he's not even a person I know or that cares about me.


I don't just feel bad. I feel naked and vulnerable. I feel like I showed a little bit of who I am, just a flash of my soft underbelly, and someone felt the need to come poke at me with a sharp stick. The worst part is, despite my rational understanding that it isn't true, I feel like I was in the wrong, somehow. (And, before anyone suggests it, I am getting professional help already. This is actually better than I usually am.)


Tomorrow is the start of the Nativity Fast. I'm not officially Orthodox, but I did plan on keeping the fast by not eating meat. And I think I might go on a Facebook fast too, just for my peace of mind.